How is it possible that my main number is 1.
Inferiority has never left my side...
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Landslide
It's only the beginning of the week.
i dont like this feeling.
overwhelmed. the landslide.
the many third parties to manage.
cannot get the ideal wants as per client's insisting requirements.
the things you know that it's not in your hands.
the ones that you dont have the last say.
the countless bouncing here and there.
the balance on left, right, up and down.
the squeezing of blood from metal.
the many more things of contrast between mind and heart.
i know im going to crack before the amount that i can swallow all these reaches to a limit.
another 31 more days left...
i dont like this feeling.
overwhelmed. the landslide.
the many third parties to manage.
cannot get the ideal wants as per client's insisting requirements.
the things you know that it's not in your hands.
the ones that you dont have the last say.
the countless bouncing here and there.
the balance on left, right, up and down.
the squeezing of blood from metal.
the many more things of contrast between mind and heart.
i know im going to crack before the amount that i can swallow all these reaches to a limit.
another 31 more days left...
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Jar
it's so easy to switch off when you're occupied and busying yourself with work. and the mind races through information and scrambling to get as many things completed.
and when the very moment the work machinery takes a break, the emotional core lunges.
there's so much emotions trapped in that little jar. and there's only that much the little jar can hold... and still holding.
because some emotions are better kept than to be known. the kind that will not bring any positive change. the kind which may make things head to an ugly direction. the kind that you'd rather keep the pain to yourself. the kind that others dont see eye-to-eye. the kind that no one shares the same sentiments. the kind that you dont know where it should go. the kind that makes you weak. the kinds list will go on and on and on...
hairline cracks. broken glass. countless band aids to keep the shrapnel intact.
im asking for the impossible. im feeling the emotions that will never see sunlight.
im hoping the bottled emotions to evaporate before i need a new jar.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Chunk of Life
it's something ive to accustom myself to. but it hasnt been an easy task if i keep questioning the sense behind it instead of just working through it daily.
with total of 24 hours day, the number of hours that goes to work is increasing. travelling takes a total of 2 hours daily. with Penang standards, it's ridiculous. the comparison just have to stop, but it's really a reality how we face such lousy public transportation and having to resort to driving our own cars. one can only hope and dream, which its seedling would only sprout its first shoot at the age where im unfit to drive anymore.
then comes the decision to avoid being stuck in the traffic and bringing myself to wake up earlier in contrast of the hours of sleep i want. i've not been able to wake up early enough which will definitely beat the morning traffic (we're talking about leaving puchong at 6.30am latest) and spend 2 hours at the gym nearby office. piling work pressure has so far successfully kicked me out of bed at 6.20am. and that miracle of waking up at 5.45am has yet to materialise. one just have to keep trying to battle the mentality of it. not to forget the lack of preparation for HM. i havent been selecting wisely, and blind registration is not an encouraging way to get me physically ready for it.
then the hours spent in office until the end of the day. and between the patience of spending an hour in the rush hour traffic or spending additional time in office. sometimes all you want after being out of home for so long, is just to rest and sizzle down quietly. but life isnt that all easy - win one and lose one. thus it depends if i have enough patience to sit through the jam quietly for another hour without mutter words of stupidity. and of late, coupled with the rising work... longer hours in office is opted, with the downside of less hours of sizzling down in my solidarity. that itself does escalate implication - sleep early after a tiring day, or staying up late to watch some tv or just spend some quiet awake time to do idle stuff; and also preparing lunch for the next day or spend rm10.
and i forgot to add somewhere in the earlier paragraph - home late, dinner late (any kind of junk at that late hour usually after 9.00pm onward) or none at all. and one would wonder of the nutritional status on the overall. i should just put more cereal boxes in the kitchen, oppose to instant noodles...
5 days of the above, my weekends couldnt be any more precious than ever. sure, my daily lifestyle probably isnt the busiest or unlike people who has other commitments on the sidelines. sorry, to heck with comparison. i put myself first before other things. and eventually lesser on the list to none. and also with the rule, if im not going to do it (at certain circumstances, all by myself), i better not even suggest or offer my services.
at current view, the Friday WIP can really mentally put a toll over the weekends, especially if it's a tensed-up session. and saturday will feel like a tuesday with brains going OT. and there's only 32 days to the Cup. the escalating and accumulating stress, late nights, madness, skipped meals. all that from 8.30am to 9-10-11-etc pm. i dont even want to envision how it'll be for the semis and finals. let the prelims move on first.
this is just work. the chunk of my life.
with total of 24 hours day, the number of hours that goes to work is increasing. travelling takes a total of 2 hours daily. with Penang standards, it's ridiculous. the comparison just have to stop, but it's really a reality how we face such lousy public transportation and having to resort to driving our own cars. one can only hope and dream, which its seedling would only sprout its first shoot at the age where im unfit to drive anymore.
then comes the decision to avoid being stuck in the traffic and bringing myself to wake up earlier in contrast of the hours of sleep i want. i've not been able to wake up early enough which will definitely beat the morning traffic (we're talking about leaving puchong at 6.30am latest) and spend 2 hours at the gym nearby office. piling work pressure has so far successfully kicked me out of bed at 6.20am. and that miracle of waking up at 5.45am has yet to materialise. one just have to keep trying to battle the mentality of it. not to forget the lack of preparation for HM. i havent been selecting wisely, and blind registration is not an encouraging way to get me physically ready for it.
then the hours spent in office until the end of the day. and between the patience of spending an hour in the rush hour traffic or spending additional time in office. sometimes all you want after being out of home for so long, is just to rest and sizzle down quietly. but life isnt that all easy - win one and lose one. thus it depends if i have enough patience to sit through the jam quietly for another hour without mutter words of stupidity. and of late, coupled with the rising work... longer hours in office is opted, with the downside of less hours of sizzling down in my solidarity. that itself does escalate implication - sleep early after a tiring day, or staying up late to watch some tv or just spend some quiet awake time to do idle stuff; and also preparing lunch for the next day or spend rm10.
and i forgot to add somewhere in the earlier paragraph - home late, dinner late (any kind of junk at that late hour usually after 9.00pm onward) or none at all. and one would wonder of the nutritional status on the overall. i should just put more cereal boxes in the kitchen, oppose to instant noodles...
5 days of the above, my weekends couldnt be any more precious than ever. sure, my daily lifestyle probably isnt the busiest or unlike people who has other commitments on the sidelines. sorry, to heck with comparison. i put myself first before other things. and eventually lesser on the list to none. and also with the rule, if im not going to do it (at certain circumstances, all by myself), i better not even suggest or offer my services.
at current view, the Friday WIP can really mentally put a toll over the weekends, especially if it's a tensed-up session. and saturday will feel like a tuesday with brains going OT. and there's only 32 days to the Cup. the escalating and accumulating stress, late nights, madness, skipped meals. all that from 8.30am to 9-10-11-etc pm. i dont even want to envision how it'll be for the semis and finals. let the prelims move on first.
this is just work. the chunk of my life.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)